meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Plan B is the new Plan A
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
