Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
