I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
