You made me cry and you don't even care
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
