I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
