i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
the room spins SO much faster in panama
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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