OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You should frame my arrest warrant.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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