why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
