There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
