i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
