I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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