Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
