totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
