So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you have to choose: penises or morals?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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