Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
