oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
