You made me cry and you don't even care
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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