Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
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