I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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