at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
