Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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