I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
