Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
