I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
