i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
