Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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