dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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