You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
