Welp...herpes.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
