Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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