I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
