names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
