there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Your cock deserves a montage
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
