please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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