The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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