I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Randomize
