I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
