finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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