ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
