The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
