I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
