my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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