Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
