it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
