People with herpes should wear stickers.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
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