Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
