I haven't been this sober since birth.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
