Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i think i have two assholes
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
