I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
