So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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