why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
